I humbly write this post to share my story—my growth, my spiritual evolution, and the journey of discovering who I truly am.
For some reason, as a child I internalized the belief that if I wasn’t happy then God wasn’t with me—that I must have been doing something wrong. I felt deeply, but my emotions, particularly anxiety and sadness, made me feel like a failure. I thought that if I struggled, it meant I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t aligned with God. Yet, even in those moments of shame and self-judgment, I knew deep inside that He was always there. The contradiction of feeling both deeply connected to God and simultaneously ashamed of my emotions shaped my experience of reality.
I have always been someone who feels intensely. But for a long time, I rejected that part of myself, believing that my emotions made me small, unworthy, and somehow less than others. Even now, as I walk this path of spiritual awakening and healing, I still find traces of that old mindset. I think I have overcome it, only to uncover new layers of it lingering within me.
Writing this—openly sharing my vulnerability—requires courage. Because even as a spiritual mentor, and contrary to what my "ego" might think, I am still walking this path. And I know I am not alone. Like most of you, I continue to unravel the deeper aspects of myself, to witness the old patterns that still surface. Sometimes, emotions arise that make me feel small. Sometimes, I don’t feel aligned. And that’s okay.
What has truly helped me in this journey is acceptance—surrendering to these emotions as teachers rather than obstacles. I no longer see them as enemies but as guides revealing deeper truths about who I am. I have come to understand that I did not come here to be "perfect" or to attain some distant state of enlightenment. I came here to experience—to feel the full range of emotions that this dual dimension offers, with its contrasts of light and darkness, joy and sorrow. That is the essence of life itself.
And in that acceptance, I find peace.
I remind myself that I am safe. I am worthy. I am never separate from God. To be without Him is an impossibility, because I am one with Him. I exist within Him, as part of His creation, made from His very breath, infused with His essence. There is no moment where He is absent, no experience that occurs outside of Him.
With this realization, I choose, more and more, to be who I truly am. To allow myself to be seen. Not to erase fear, but to transmute it—into light, into love, into an honoring of the creation that I am. And yes, vulnerability can feel dangerous. There is always that whisper: What if someone harms me? What if they reject me? But I choose to stand in the deep belief that I am safe.
The only thing that can harm me is my own perception—the meaning I assign to experiences. If I believe something is harmful, then that belief shapes my reality. But that, too, is a creation—just like anxiety, sadness, or any other emotional state that arises.
My journey has been one of transmutation—taking dense energies and transforming them into light, love, and truth. These three, along with surrender, form the foundation of my daily life.
So yes, I am walking this path. Continually peeling away the layers that have obscured my inner light. Returning to the truth of who I am. Flowing into being.
And in doing so, I embrace the realization that this journey is not about arriving somewhere—it is about the unfolding, the becoming, the ever-deepening awareness of self.
I am here. I am whole. And I am still walking.
Katiana
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